If you’re not already aware, I’m suffering from Bipolar Disorder and anxiety – and just recently started taking medication again.
I thought I would write a little bit about what I expect medication to do for me, and what I don’t expect it to do.
This is partially due to the fact that some people seem to think I’m taking it as some kind of miracle cure or fix-all.
Damn, that is far too many pills. Thankfully not mine though; borrowed from Bipolar 101
Let me get this out there right off the bat. Medications do not fix everything.
They don’t magically change your lifestyle, and they don’t give you ambition to do things that you didn’t want to do before.
Actually, I don’t even like saying that they “fix” anything. But that doesn’t mean they don’t help!
What I really expect…
Personally, I just need the medication to alleviate some of my suffering, reduce the amount of unreasonable and extreme mood swings I have that are caused by my bipolar (I’m not talking about every day normal mood swings), and especially help with my worst and most life-impacting symptoms such as racing thoughts, depression, severe anxiety, delusional/paranoid thinking and so on.
I know that it will not completely rid of those things either.
But I simply cannot handle all of the problems caused by bipolar on my own – even with all the coping skills I’ve learned over the years.
This is because of the nature of the illness; i.e. the chemical imbalances, and the fact that my brain just does not function properly, or react the way it should even to normal every day situations.
In general, my points – and my hopes are this
- I want to be able to do the things I (used to) like to do!
- I don’t want to be a slave to my mental illness.
I’m sick of having to “come running” every time my bipolar calls me, and have very little say in the matter.
- I want to do some new things, change my surroundings, and deal with some change in general
…without being anxious to the point that I have panic attack, become irritable or have other dramatic mood changes.
- I want to be able to concentrate without racing thoughts constantly interrupting me and draining my energy, making it nearly impossible to do anything complex – or anything for long periods of time.
- I want to be more reliable, to myself, and to others.
As an example: sometimes I would tell someone I’ll go somewhere with them or do something with/for them – then suddenly the day before or that very day, my whole mood and ability to live up to that just disappears. Then I can’t do what I promised. And it’s not because I’m lazy or didn’t want to do it; I feel guilty and terrible every time it happens — even disappointed that I didn’t get to do it when I wanted to.
- I want to be myself! Not some moody, irrationally depressed and anxious, paranoid freak that I feel like on the inside.
I want to run my life the way I want, to the best of my ability. My mental illness should not be interrupting it and running the show so damn often.
And with that said, I hope you understand why I am taking medication, will be talking to a therapist soon – and why I’m putting the little bit of effort that I have left in life, into getting better in any way that I can.