Suicidal thoughts


If you are considering suicide, please don’t do it yet.

  • Give yourself some time. Wait at least a few days to give yourself time to calm down and reconsider. Many people who attempted suicide and lived, ended up regretting their choice moments after they initiated their plan; e.g. people who jumped off large bridges, instantly regretted doing so, admit that and wish they hadn’t.
  • Read my article here Say no to suicide. Getting help with your problems and concerns.

 

From time to time, I have to admit that I get damn tired of living. I have thought about and tried to commit suicide.

suicide-butterfly-blood

Why in the world would you want to do that?

Well, first of all, let me quote this: “Studies have shown that 25 to 50 percent of people with bipolar disorder (manic depression) attempt suicide” — I am not alone here, it’s very common with someone who is suffering from Bipolar Disorder such as myself.

Personally, when I am in severely depressed state, I often feel completely hopeless. I lose a lot of my logical thinking about the subject. Even though I have had so many ups and downs and should know from experience that it will get better after a while, I still feel that I’ll never feel better, and I want the pain and suffering to stop. With that said, even when I am not depressed, I do still suffer a lot with other symptoms, and that may also affect my feelings of wanting to commit suicide.

If you read my post about my racing thoughts, then you may understand that it takes a lot of energy just to be able to think somewhat clearly and to carry conversation. This doesn’t include all of the energy I waste in general and when I’m depressed. In general, I have very little mental energy to be able to deal with changes or anything out of the ordinary, because I use so much of it just to survive and do battle with my mind constantly. I’m eventually going to cover that in greater detail, but my point is that at in certain mood states (especially depressed), I need a break.¬†There’s only so much and so long I can go on dumping my energy into acting somewhat “normal”/socially acceptable, trying to feel positive, and not losing it completely.

For me, what it seems to boil down to is:

  • Bipolar itself, tends to give feelings of hopeless and self-harm at times.
  • When severely depressed, I run out of the mental energy, then lack what’s needed to control my negative thoughts/feelings and think logically.
  • The normal/average stresses of life get to me even more than a non-bipolar person.
  • I get fed up of putting so much effort into surviving. When depressed, even seemingly easy to do things are very difficult or even impossible to me. I often want to just lay in bed for hours or an entire day, because my whole body feels heavy as if something is holding me down when I’m that drained.
  • I want the pain, suffering and stress to go away. It seems like nothing will give me that relief except ending my life.
  • I also have negative thoughts about myself, think far too critically, worry about things that aren’t realistic, things that I can’t change about life in an endless loop and the negativity just keeps building up until it feels like it would be nice if my brain just exploded!
  • Nobody understands me, and I’m tired of trying to explain it. I’m sick of people saying to “just get over it”, “you have this and that, why would you be depressed?!”, “stop being lazy” … it doesn’t work that way with chemical imbalances and mental illness. It’s incredibly frustrating, but I can’t blame them — they haven’t experienced what I do so often.
  • Sometimes I feel that I’m a burden to other people, both family and friends.
  • I’m sick of being this way. I just want to be “normal” and have a good life. I want to be “happy” like so many other people I see appear to be.
  • I can’t take joy in a lot of things that do make people happy or let them have fun. A lot of the time I put on an act so that hopefully they don’t see I’m actually miserable while I should be enjoying myself.
  • Sometimes it even upsets/angers¬† me that other people can be happy, and I don’t believe I really know what happiness is.

There are so many reasons, I’m sure even more than I listed here. But I believe a lot of my feelings towards suicide are caused by the Bipolar Disorder.

Once I earned $25-30k in a single month once while manic – I felt proud of myself, and even my father was proud of me. I was able to buy a lot of things I wanted, but I slipped back into a deep depression and realized I wasn’t actually any more happy during that episode. Money can reduce some of the stress in life, which is great. But nothing, including money, can truly give me happiness. Everything in my life could be going seemingly perfect, and I would still find myself more depressed than ever. Or things could be going terrible in life, and I could feel very ecstatic in a manic state. It’s just how the disorder is, unfortunately.