Mental illness has ripped my life apart 2


As I noted in one of my previous posts, I’d been feeling somewhat depressed.
However, lately I feel that the depression may be more ‘normal’ than my typical bipolar episodes.

I realized there’s something more going on…

┬áMental illness has ripped parts of life from me…

Rather than just being depressed for no apparent reason, I’ve been feeling that way because of how my life is in general.
It’s been a struggle for years due to mental illness in general, and I feel that my illness has stolen a lot of time from my life that I can’t get back. It’s shaped who I am, where I am (as far as productivity, financially, my relationships etc.), and it has also formed a lot of bad habits that also contribute to how I feel on a daily basis.

  • I missed out a lot of my later high school years and relationships, because I felt forced to drop out
  • I barely have any friends, and lost most of the ones I did
  • I haven’t been able to work in years, even though I want to
  • I don’t feel comfortable in social situations, and when I am in them I barely have anything to say.
  • I can’t seem to relate to most people, and don’t tend to keep track of things they’re interested in
  • I’ve completely ruined my credit for a long time due to impulsiveness brought on my mania
  • I’ve missed out on multiple family/friend events. Weddings, funerals, just dining out, etc.
  • I’ve lost the desire and maybe even hope to (or that I can) achieve higher goals in life, be in a steady relationship, or even finish projects that at one time or another interest me
    …Just to name a few things.
    And I look at everything very negatively, due to how many times I’ve failed or ‘ruined’ things in the past.

I also tend to be in the same or similar routine every day regardless of how I feel – and it’s not a good one for either mental or physical health. I feel that I’ve lost the ability to live life – or at least, forgotten how. Watching other people and hearing about them living their life is almost foreign to me.
I was hoping that therapy would help re-train me in that aspect or at least push me forward, but so far it hasn’t.

Basically my point is that mental illness can really be debilitating and have long lasting effects on a person’s life.
After years of struggling and missing out on both “normal” every day things, and important stages of growing up as an individual, I fear that even if my medication starts to stabilize me that I won’t be able to just “jump back in” to life.

I need a different kind of help for that, and it’ll probably take years more to achieve what a person would call a “life”.
But I need to believe that it can be done. And if you’re in a similar situation, I hope you will too.


2 thoughts on “Mental illness has ripped my life apart

  • A

    It probably doesn’t mean anything coming from someone who has never experienced severe mental illness before but i just want to say that it can be done, it won’t be easy, it will be hard as hell but at the end it’ll be worth it knowing that you did the very best that you could do and that’s enough.

    Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that doesn’t make you who you are. It is the rest of your story, who YOU choose to be. I believe in you and so should you.

    • Brien (xxhatred) Post author

      It does mean something to me, and I really appreciate the positive words.
      It’s difficult for me to think and feel that way myself often, so I was glad to see this – and that you still recognized it will be hard/difficult.

      The illness has complicated a lot of things in my life. But you are right; in the end, it doesn’t make me -who- I am.
      I also shouldn’t think that way because that would just be accepting defeat.
      I have constant battles in my mind, and I feel that the illness controls me a lot of the time. But if I keep fighting, eventually I should be able to get some of the things I really need and want in life; to be who I want to be. At least I’d like to think that, and have to sometimes so I don’t give up. ­čÖé

      Thanks.

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