Mini Biography

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 About xxhatred

Where does the name “xxhatred” come from?
It’s a shortened version of “xxplosive hatred”, which is a more unique twist of explosive hatred.
I used this as a handle online, partially due to my feelings and experiences – especially in the past.
Typically, I am calm in most situations (besides anxiety) and quiet.
However, when I get very stressed and my anger builds up, it tends to ‘explode’ as if my something in my mind snaps and all of the built up anger and ‘hatred’ comes out at once. My adrenaline goes far overboard, and I am actually fueled by pain – rather than being slowed down. This is something that I feel is much stronger than what a typical person experiences. I actually have a tattoo to portray this.
Perhaps it can also be “double X” hatred – checks (X) for the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder, and hating it…

That name I didn’t get to decide: Brien

The look I didn’t get to decide:


Years of suffering (age): 31

Location: NY, USA

Mental issues:

  • Bipolar Disorder I with some psychotic features (rapid cycling)
    (More recently, I’ve had a second opinion of being Schizoaffective, Bipolar type)

  • Possibly also Generalized Anxiety Disorder
  • See also: My medication list

Physical issues:

  • Depends on my self-esteem at any given moment.
    No, really – none currently. Besides many holes in my ears (piercings) .. 😉
    Just had a thorough physical exam, including blood test.
    Thyroid is fine and always has been, if you’re wondering.
  • Update: I had a MRI and it came back showing multiple lesions on my brain. The cause is currently unknown; I’m waiting to see a neurologist for that and possible treatment.


  • A lot less than I used to have – due to depression, mood swings, racing thoughts, anxiety, etc.
    However, I still enjoy some things.
    If I don’t do these things now, I did in the past and would still like to.
  • Software programming (C#, C++, Delphi)
  • Building custom PCs (I can do this for you, contact me!)
  • Tinkering with random gadgets and electronics.
  • Designing random useful things, even if I don’t end up making them or doing anything with them.
  • Customizing anything; I once modified an Xbox to the point it was almost unidentifiable…
  • Electronic music creation. (not implying that I’m good at it)
  • Listening to music
  • Riding ATVs. I wish I still had my Yamaha Banshee.
  • And more I will add later

Potential goals in life:

  • Become more stable by overcoming my mental illness
  • Have a more enjoyable life in general
  • Find a cure or better treatment for bipolar disorder to help everyone
  • Start and manage my own (online) gaming company
  • Become an electronic engineer, or architect


  • I have one of those awesome fathers. And ..something.. like a mother.
    Just kidding, I love both of them.I look up to my father; he’s always worked hard, he’s intelligent, does things well/right, and has good morals.
    He’s also very supportive of me, even though I’ve made a lot of mistakes and have not lived up to my promises at times.My mother is supportive as well, especially lately, and I’m very happy about that.
    We’ve had some rough times in the past, but I’ve mostly gotten over it.
    She has a strong outgoing personality, which can be unsettling at times in public. But there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just how she is, and I accept her for that – just how she accepts me for who I am.
  • I also have two lovely, supportive sisters.
    One is very talented and artistic, and one is a moody ( 🙂 ) workaholic.They’re both awesome, and I look up to them as well since in some ways they have achieved more than me – partially due to my mental issues and how it’s impacted/delayed my productivity in life.


  • I currently have 4 gold fish (one recently died, RIP) to keep me company. Along with a small catfish.
    I try to take good care of them!
    They’re probably 4-5 months old in this photo, but I’ve had them for over a year.
  • Recently got a kitten, who I named Lilith (Lily for short, which is what I mainly call her)
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Now that you’ve read some about my, why don’t you check out the rest of my site?! 🙂

Last updated: Sep 24, 2016 @ 4:59 pm